The game

Shards of stories
wrapped in lace
laid before His glory
A life of frightning choice
in haste
Lived with rivets unwinding
I smiled to covered my own face
which fell behind silver lining
and found metallic sliver
waste
Kissed goodby was pining

In hindrance begged and pleaded thus
for love garnered by fools
without eyes for lust
or kindness entertwining
Left the game depositing hope
in the shards of stories
behind hidden face
laden in the lining

Dilemmas

Wrong, right
Black, White
It's all in shades of grey
We scribe with blood
Beliefs laid in mud
To justify what we say

Wrong, right
Black, white
We name what lies beyond.
On pedestals stand
Holding grains of sand
The truth is simply our bond

To right and wrong
Asunder strewn
 We know nothing
of this world.
Stand in judgement
yet move no man
your wrongs, rights
are but YOURS. 

Random.

You were a dream
I woke up in a cold sweat
Dazed from the terror
You were a faucet
I put everything in my power
underneath to cease fire
You were a children's book
filled with glossy white pages
and unwritten fairy tales
on every face

I was a computer
lost to all touch
and without
I wanted the world of the feeling
of fire
or gloss
or tales
but I had none to tell
mine were banished with
the newest wave of technology
ringing out the old machinery.




(Wrote that just now....not polished...don't know what it means. But here.)

Sinking

First it's the physical signs, I don't pay much attention to those...at first. I'll clean a little and stop mid-cleaning. I will call every person on planet earth just o hear their voice. I'll get around people and just sit-because I have nothing to offer save for disillusionment and the occasional snide comment. I will sleep fro days-call off work, school, engagements-just completely sleep. While I am doing all this sleeping I will have terrible dreams. Dreams of being rejected, dreams of trapping and punishing things I love...dreams of being made to do things I do not want to do-but doing them all the same. I won't eat-because every time I sit down the food is bland and tasteless, emotions are bland and tasteless-every experience is. After a few weeks of this I start to notice...I am still functioning-hell I may look the same. But I feel terrible. I obsess over the worst possible things and pull myself deeper-until i find myself crying and unable to function by myself. I call someone only to feel like it was a pointless venture to reach out. It feels like the torment will never end, it feels like this cycle will never end-and I have no awareness or control over it either.
Scary as hell-welcome to my life

Morality and judgement cessation

In the interest of morality.
Deciding whether someone is doing something that is right or wrong is solely up to the viewer. If someone is murdering people this is neither right or wrong by nature. It has been programmed into us all the "natural" correctedness of society-but it is not true (for me-add this to all statements here on out). The murderer must suffer the consequences of society to maintain order, but not because he or she is amoral. Actions against the welfare of society are perceived as wrong if they benefit the person. That is a whole ideology I understand. This, also, is neither right nor wrong. Maybe my neutrality is taking over here, but I must say that all things are for the eyes of the beholder.
Whoa! De-railed from that as follows:

So new plan: I am taking a class concerning addiction. In this class we have to choose something we, as budding counselors, will give up to understand the loss and coping of something we rely upon heavily. I am deciding to give up judging the actions of others. I feel this will remove a lot of my coping with anger and justice as well as enlighten me. In my search for beliefs. I looked up a bible verse... I am no woman of the bible to say the least: but I will say this. The book has many wise sayings, so does Thoreau (as an aside). I was inspired by this:

Matthew 7:1-6 Do not judge, or you too will be judged. [2] For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

Quick Judgment is Distorted

[3] Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

[4] How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye?

[5] You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye.

Careful Judgment is Necessary

[6] Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and then turn and tear you to pieces.

All of this has happened as I was writing. I have found myself to be judgmental to get out my own personal gratifications. I want to overcome that so I can live up to what I believe to be my truth. This being that no judgement is a correct one to make of others, or of self for that matter. Making a judgement simply means that the topic or person is bringing up garbage from personal experience. All these judgements are unnecessary if I can simply grasp this concept I (intellectually) accept, but mentally fail to follow at times. 

There are no universal or absolute truths. I know absolutely only that I do not know. I can believe for myself, and that which I believe is my reality;I must live within it. I will attempt to stop judging. When I feel the need, I will attempt to cope by using introspection and reflection plus conversation and socialization. The judgement needs to cease. I say that I will attempt because I am loving myself enough to allow for error-alleviating the judgement that I must be perfect in my execution to prove to myself and the world that I actually care.

In all honesty I am completely overwhelmed by all the thoughts and instances in which I will have to remove my judgements. I want to see it as an opportunity to be shown things that trigger my personal hang ups-but I am also gripped with fear that I will make a mistake and lose all my progress with trying to be less judgmental. But hey, if I fail to judge myself just once-or anyone else, that is great progress, right?

I will try and keep all this in mind. Never thought my blog would become a behavior contract lol. Anyways, I just thought-I could blog about my progress-lemme know if that is interesting at all. 

And to get back to what I was saying in the first place. We all have our morality, we make choices according to that morality. No one is right or wrong-it's all just different perspectives. I want to model that and feel free enough to live out my morals without the restraints of society, or guilty conscience. God willing.

-Jem

Thoughts

Alright, So I have been thinking, like usual. I have been thinking about what it takes to be in a relationship. Listening to "No one's gonna love you" by Cee-lo. Don't we all feel like that. No one will ever be capable of the love I have for someone else. To me, that translates as no one is gonna work as hard as I will. Maybe that is an unfair measurement of love. But when I think of love I think of devotion and loyalty that exceeds the necessary. That could be because ti proves my worth to the other person and myself. I also really love to see the person I am with happy. I want life to be easier because I am there. I work so damn hard at everything I put my mind to-I have too many jobs. It is amazing to me that love could be anything else. Either way, I digress. I am in love with showing someone I care-I was so damn stricken by fear my whole life to show love to people. So here are some keywords I am thinking of here-my thoughts are moving at quite the clip and keywords is all I can do to keep up:
Synchronicity
Fate
hard work
true love
catastrophising
living
memories
grief
colloquy
rhythm
universality.
Ugh this is how I think...thus why blogs kill me. There is a bit of the Jem
-me

Attempted

I use my Emotions like a condiment

A condom it

 holds down

 the devotion Hits

And I'm struck un-emboldened when

I give up all

 I'm holding in.

Holding

sway against the wind

I lay down ground rules

And sink in

Depth of quicksand closing in

Around the rules I stood within

The walls close and melt and drift

The emotions sprayed

On walls facade

Like ketchup in a crystal galla

Splayed across milky model everglade

Poet's lament

Saturday, January 08, 2011

3:05 AM

I want to make the rules and write

The rights

Be the one whose calls keep you up at night

And slam down the phone and walk

Away

But try as I might

Or as I may I cannot recover the might to display

The shrewd light that you take

Each time your footsteps

Angrily disappear

And the weight of each step

Leaves tracks in soil and venae as well

I wish I could swell and rise

Above the twisted figure I become when

I am stomped out

a giant whose spirit

Simply extinguishes my own doubts

I would walk tall and spring forward

Ferociously sitting on my front door

And not yours

I would be no mans beggar and no self's fool

In this body I would live by no man's rights or rules

I would slam down the paper weight on all

Your dreams and leave

Them dusty to be discarded and screams

Would be heard only in soundproof rooms

Where you alone could hear them echoing in false songs

Written in false pretense

Yet there is no surface that can paint this you

On me

Because I am the weak and the poem is my piece

Hatred; a disease of inaction

Hatred; a disease of inaction

No matter how much you

push me

or shove me

I will not break

because inside this body

I stand, irate

Erect and alive

I live with no tide

move for

no mountain

touch

sight or sigh

I do not hear my name

life running through veins

don’t worry or wilt

kiss only to kill

and when I look

outside these bars

I see no thrill

and

the pain of the vain

is hard to bare

with no witness to tell of my story

I have killed and slain each who spoke my name

and here sit with no measure of glory

bars go both ways

when one remains rigid

he allows no room to change

with age his heart rusts

and his bars become chains

no exit, no entrance

a death lived in restraint.

Clarity

I want to see clearly

That I may draw blanks

Think freely

That I may live revealing

And unsafe

I want to lave harshly

And hate kindly

I want indifference to

Slink away

From my door

Astounded,

Blinded

And binded

I want my passion

Unbridled

Unsigned

And without labels

I want to see clearly

So that I may draw blanks

Lust heartily

In hearth upon banks

Of crescent moons

And dreams of lovers swoon

The life I want

Is the woman I will be

And the mirror

Wont ever reflect a need to become

It is simply be

Palm reading

Rearrange your words to fit her ears

you await her embrace to sway you

you cling too tightly

forgo the world too mightily

and yet your lines betray you

Misdeeds surround your sight

you await her lime light

Too tall to stand

you stoop

upon her doorstep and

make amends with inner demons

demoting you to foe

demoting you

and you're owned

Your chivalry lies in feinting

wipe her face clean of frown lines

erase her dissonance with shy smiles

live in a world shackled to denial

so you

Rearrange your eyes to appeal to her

Sink and scramble as she reads your hand

“The life line is short”

“The heart line is broken”

The contortions of your hand

leave much unspoken!”

her waltz into the distance

finds you seated

scalpel in hand

lengthening your lines to meet her fate

lengthening your tolerance to her sate

wait at the machine give it all

and receive nothing in return

Weddings and other happiness

Wedding day

With no one there to give the girl away

Watch the aisles and waste away

His side full

And her side

…

..

.

Blank

She stands so tall her frame so frank

And he loves her courtly wayward gait

His face aflood with sensing fate

He waits

Inside she buries jars and crates

Among the folding crispy crepe

In the room she’d lain awake

 Each name given her forsake

The aisles are tundra’s shorn in lace

Wedding day

The dress smolders over youthful skin

A color colder could not make her dim

Yet in her heart she hides a whim

The girl looks on and finds no balm

Outside has reached a smiling calm

Inside buries jars and crates

Among the folding crispy crepe

 falsity awaits

Wedding day

Questioning

Is waking living

Is living alive

Is my face that of generations

Living in stride

You call it surviving

I call it swimming against the tide

What is living

Devoid of deaths collide

I must ask without giving

My words remain mute

As I may have the answers,

But they’re simply astute

They know not the living

Or the world of the wise

They simply peek from

Misgivings thrust into the tide.