Do you ever feel like you're just going to lose it? By it, I mean that something that makes you human. The voice in your head giving you the information to limit break and make it through whatever you have going on. You ever just think someone hit the wrong switch and turned it off. I think it is off tonight. I am one step away from crying my eyes out over suffering the loss of my mother. The woman who would stand up to these insane obstacles with no hair moved. She could do this.  I do not think I can do this. What is this? The boss fight of my life. What does this boss mean-again?

I lost my mom when I was 21. I said I was fine. I wasn't. I was on my way down when she died and when it finally happened she stepped on my head in the shallow pool I had left. Grinding my face against the shards of battles fought and buried below. I couldn't swim. I couldn't see. Eventually I floated back up, as bodies are wont to do, but the marring remained. By all this I mean that my mother left a hole in my logic that I have not filled. I found a place to move to in rampant need to find a nest. A place I could hide in and from, until I was well again. It turns out nests go sour and jumping into the first one I found was not the best idea.

mission

My Mission (and I choose to accept it):

To

                  Witness all the jumbled stories of lives lived.

                 Construct a tapestry of others' experience,

                 To enrich my own.

To

                Use curiosity as my unit of measurement

                For how fully I am existing,

                For gathering, compacting and exploring every nook and cranny of this life.

To

                Breathe epiphanies and exhale designs;

                Thereby carrying oxygenated ideals

                In my vessels wherever I find myself next.

To

                 Internally combust when I speak about my work,

                 My love and my time.

                This combustion will (hopefully)

                result in the simultaneous ignition of those nearby.

To

                Emerge anew every day

                Support soul-immersion emergence

However,

             I do not want to change the world.

 I want to Sense it,

                 Touch it

                                and run through all the fields

                                                 of all the things waiting just outside

                                                                                every new door I will open.

My Mission

Type 8 enneagram

The challenger
It is true
I have power. I am power
It springs forth in my gait
in my spirit gnawing for a chance to break free
However I only feel like the power is working
if it is working to free and make powerful
the life of those who may not
harness their own inert strength

It is also true
that I was once a sociopath destruction unit
I do not mean this in a cute
"I was depressed and angry in adolescence". I mean this in a
I had plans to murder, sense.
I harnessed others' self hatred as fuel to make
them slaves to their own fear
I unleashed the part of the power that
makes villains in novels
I had a sad story that helped me make that character,
but I was still her.

Some days she still catches me off guard and springs up again

Now half my heart is spent on reigning in a terror

So the leadership
the go getting
I pay with half my guile
You only see half of me

Some think this half is pretty tough
I have looked into mirrors and saw a bereft shell
awaiting the next betrayal to rage against
I have seen true evil
and it wasn't in a cartoon, or in the ones who stripped me
of the beautiful parts I could have been
It was in mirrors when I happened to catch a sideways stare without my mask on

We all think we are crazy, monstrous even
We all are, to some degree
My monstrosity is my iron will
It looks nice when I wear it as a suit to dinner parties
with those who like to hear stories of valor, honor and the disadvantages youth who rose up. I rose up on the wings of hatred and sheer inability to accpet anything but my will-and others who saw a spark and nourished it. Sometimes at their own expense.
but terrible when I use it as a blade in the same breath.


I say this to worn those of you who wish to be Alpha
Who wish to make the rules
I will always push against the world.

The world will always push back.
The struggle will continue until I decide I have pushed long enough to be safe.