First it's the physical signs, I don't pay much attention to those...at first. I'll clean a little and stop mid-cleaning. I will call every person on planet earth just o hear their voice. I'll get around people and just sit-because I have nothing to offer save for disillusionment and the occasional snide comment. I will sleep fro days-call off work, school, engagements-just completely sleep. While I am doing all this sleeping I will have terrible dreams. Dreams of being rejected, dreams of trapping and punishing things I love...dreams of being made to do things I do not want to do-but doing them all the same. I won't eat-because every time I sit down the food is bland and tasteless, emotions are bland and tasteless-every experience is. After a few weeks of this I start to notice...I am still functioning-hell I may look the same. But I feel terrible. I obsess over the worst possible things and pull myself deeper-until i find myself crying and unable to function by myself. I call someone only to feel like it was a pointless venture to reach out. It feels like the torment will never end, it feels like this cycle will never end-and I have no awareness or control over it either.
Scary as hell-welcome to my life
That sounds really scary. It's interesting how you mention so many overwhelming feelings and emotions, and yet you report it so intellectually. Have you found any rhyme or reason for what brings about these bouts?
ReplyDeleteWell, it is only really scary once I realize it. I speak about it intellectually because, honestly, this happens or weeks at a time before I notice. It gets progressively worse until the signs become unmistakable. I don't feel anything when this is going on....nothing out of the usual at least. My mind-body connection is....stunted to say the least. I only know how to describe how I feel intellectually-that's the only way I "Feel" it. I always find something or other at the source, but generally the source is long gone before I discover the problem. At the heart of it I think I am lonesome...at the heart of it I miss having a constant companion. All the losses I have suffered are catching up to me. My uncle when I was 7, my mom, my only family members I could care about-the dog I grew up with whom I have yet to find a connection I can compare it with... I guess I feel beat up. And the beatings never cease.
ReplyDeleteWhen I was 18 and went to college I thought I could leave all that pain behind-but the scenery didn't change on the inside. Long-winded response, but meh-it is a blog, after all.